Mountain of Judgment

I don't play golf or tennis, I'm not a dealer in a casino, and I don't set type for a living. My entire life, I assumed these choices had no common element, being based on lack of athletic aptitude, apathy toward gambling, etc. But I now realize the real, single reason for all of them: the visor.

Across the street from my office, a woman has hired a crew to remodel her house. Every day for the past week, she's hovered around the construction site in her visor. What makes this notable is that her hair, cut in a Dorothy Hammil bob, exactly covers the visor's brim, creating the illusion of a visor made entirely of hair. Oh, how I wish I could make you see it.

I've heard the arguments: visors provide shade, they keep the head cooler than a hat, blah, blah, blah. I'm unmoved. Dave once told me that Hummers are reassuring because you instantly know, without reservation, that the owner is a complete asshole. There's no possible reasonable excuse for driving one. I put visors in the same category. If you're engaging in an activity for which wearing a visor "makes sense", clearly the activity itself is horribly flawed and should be abandoned. I mean, just look at the woman above. I realize she's only some poor model, but there are people out there who would actually put something like that on their heads without being paid for it. "I'm so proud to have killed the world's biggest duck that I cut off its bill and mounted it on my forehead. Wanna hit the links?" No, truly visors are the headgear of the damned.

I have spoken!