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Monday, September 12, 2005


Lookin' Sporty!

I don't play golf or tennis, I'm not a dealer in a casino, and I don't set type for a living. My entire life, I assumed these choices had no common element, being based on lack of athletic aptitude, apathy toward gambling, etc. But I now realize the real, single reason for all of them: the visor.

Across the street from my office, a woman has hired a crew to remodel her house. Every day for the past week, she's hovered around the construction site in her visor. What makes this notable is that her hair, cut in a Dorothy Hammil bob, exactly covers the visor's brim, creating the illusion of a visor made entirely of hair. Oh, how I wish I could make you see it.

I've heard the arguments: visors provide shade, they keep the head cooler than a hat, blah, blah, blah. I'm unmoved. Dave once told me that Hummers are reassuring because you instantly know, without reservation, that the owner is a complete asshole. There's no possible reasonable excuse for driving one. I put visors in the same category. If you're engaging in an activity for which wearing a visor "makes sense", clearly the activity itself is horribly flawed and should be abandoned. I mean, just look at the woman above. I realize she's only some poor model, but there are people out there who would actually put something like that on their heads without being paid for it. "I'm so proud to have killed the world's biggest duck that I cut off its bill and mounted it on my forehead. Wanna hit the links?" No, truly visors are the headgear of the damned.

I have spoken!

One of the sexiest looks is a bald man in a visor.

And I mean just a visor.

Sportin' woody!
I suppose you're pretty happy that a visor came with the outfit I sent to Abe.
Anonymous Mother
Delighted! Why would you think otherwise?
I can make an excuse, or case, for personally wearing a visor twice in my life. I had the good fortune to see the Sox play (and beat) the Yankees at Fenway on Patriot's Day April 19,2004 and the last home game of the season when Schilling pitched before he became the Bleeding Jesus of baseball.
The seats were cheap bleachers in full sun and the temperature even in April was 90%. I can't wear baseball caps, never could, because I have an extra large skull - hats that are sized "one size fits all", don't, and I was blessed wth a face that is as round as the moon. I've checked my image in a mirror trying on a cap and it isn't pretty. I see a fat half-face that would make a kid scream in fright. I bought a Sox visor, it didn't look too ugly,it kept the sun out of my eyes, and my hair didn't cover the small bill.The only reason the Red Sox were so successful last season is that I was at Fenway, wearing my Sox visor, watching them play.
Anonymous Red Sox Fan
If you're claiming a medical exemption (and I'm not saying one exists) I'll need to see a doctor's note.

The Red Sox superstition angle is a wily one. Nearly everything is justifiable under that excuse--particularly considering the outcome. I'll think about it and get back to you.
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