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Friday, September 16, 2005


Selected Responses to the Idea of a Death Metal/Rap Mash-Up

found at heavy metal site blabbermouth.net

Comment: Fuck This Guy
Posted by: neo2126
he should be decapitated and draged behind a car down a freeway at 80 miles per hour. don't mix metal with crap EVER

Comment: gay
Posted by: Grim Death
rap and metal NEVER mix
someone shoot this guy

Comment: That is...
Posted by: Death Metal is for Pussies
The best news I've heard all day!!!!!! Death to death metal and all it's faggot fans!!!!!!!

Comment: fuck this guy
Posted by: R-V-D
Metal has a ton of place for irony. Not for fags making fun of it.
Fuck off and die.

Comment: Metalheads don't necessarily hate rap cuz they are racist...
Posted by: DLORE
We hate it because, in metal, it showcases a persons musical talents. Guitar shredding, double bass/blast beats, death metal growls or soaring high vocals. Metal has some of the best singers on the planet...Metal is also about emotion. Whether it's a song about a warrior going off to battle, or about a demon ripping the flesh off of mortals...that shit gets you going, man! I don't need a guy talking about how great he is, and how many cars he has to get my blood flowing. Plus, I can't imagine what a rap concert must be like, but it's gotta be boring as fuck. Where's the action? Where's the bloodspray???

Posted by: ryanware
"Death to death metal and all it's faggot fans!!!!!!!"
THIS guy probably loves hardcore breakdowns. you can tell he is a pussy faggot.

Comment: I Hate Everything That's Stupid, Inane and Pointless
Posted by: Kull
that's why I love blues but I hate jazz and c-rap.

Posted by: deblaze

Comment: Outkast is the Shit. Big Boi dominates the rhyme game G
anyone who uses the word wigger might as well use the word nigger. Its most definately a racist comment. I don't imagine any of you would use that word in public. Not enough nuts. And most of you sound like some corny ass motherfuckers. DEATH TO DISCO BROS! METAL RULES DUDE! TRY AND GET LAID ONCE IN A WHILE LOSERS. IT WILL OPEN YOURMINDS TO SOMETHING OTHER THAN CORNY ASS DRAGONSLAYER LYRICS. FUCKING GAY ASS RIDIN INTO BATTLE DUMBASS MUSIC. THAT GETS YOU PUMPED? DUDE YOURE FUCKING GAY! SPARTACUS OH SPARTACUS? HAST THOU SEEN MY BROADSWORD? I'M SKIPPING INTO BATTLE LIKE A DUMBASS. FUCKING NERDY ASS BITCHES.

Well, if there's one thing these fans can agree on, it's faggot hatred!


Nick and Nora

My wife and me in the car this morning:

"Do you need anything at Wal-mart?"

"Huh? No. Say, have you ever heard the term 'micropenis'?"


"It's the medical term for members more than 2.5 standard devations under average male penis size. Micropenis."

"A beard trimmer!"

"Excuse me?"

"That's what you need at Wal-Mart!"

"You're going to Wal-Mart?"

Wednesday, September 14, 2005


1975: The Brave and the Bud

When I was 4, I didn't discriminate amongst superheroes. Comics, toys, beer pitchmen, as long as they had capes and big chins I was fucking there. These were two of my favorites. NerfMan, the greatest Nerf of all time, had a soft Nerf body and hard Nerf glider cape, so you could fly him into walls all day long and he'd bounce off none the worse for wear. I like the logo, which looks like a super happy nuclear explosion, but the coolest thing about him are those eyes. NerfMan clearly suffers no fools.
For his part, Bud Man looked to me a lot like Don Martin's Captain Klutz, and came to my attention via a sticker on the circuit box in the back office of my dad's service station. I think there was also a sawed-off shotgun back there, but the Bud Man is what captured my interest. Budweiser has since streamlined him, but the original clearly rules, a model of late 1960s/early 1970s advertising design.


Jack Kirby Haiku Wednesday

Darkseid Edition:

scour this mud ball for
the Anti-Life Equation:
no love, no hope, dark

Parademon, die—
throat crushed, fall from Darkseid’s hand
straight into the Source

know this before death:
there is no escape, none, from
my Omega Beams

Tuesday, September 13, 2005


Thank You, Michael Reagan

Mike Reagan is just another right-wing bottom-feeder hatchet-man--using his father's name to pass along the vilest, stupidest version of White House spin. He's best ignored. Today, however, he can't be avoided. His column "Who Will Say "Thank You?"" is devoted to the proposition that "liberal scoundrels" are too cowardly to give Bush (and the first responders he hides behind in photo ops) effusive praise for his wonderful response to Hurricane Katrina. As far it goes, it's just typical demented Bushism. But in an aside, Reagan reveals just how fundamentally unserious he, his movement and his president are about the most serious issue facing the country. Here's how that section appeared in my morning paper (as well as a number of Web sites for conservatives with rabies, like Free Republic and NewsMax):

When my wife asks me to vacuum the house, I inevitably miss a spot. She doesn't jump all over me because I messed up, but, understanding what klutzes husbands are when it comes to domestic chores, she simply thanks me.

Just think about the 45 old people found dead in their hospital beds yesterday as you consider that as an analogy for Katrina. Now compare the above to how the same article appears at the radical conservative FrontPage.com:

When my wife asks me to vacuum the house, I inevitably miss a spot. She doesn’t jump all over me because I messed up; she simply thanks me.

Notice anything? Looks like somebody at FrontPage stopped opening coconuts with his forehead long enough to realize that explicitly comparing Bush to a "klutzy husband" when it comes to domestic responsibilities might not be the best argument. But of course the Bush right doesn't have any good arguments about Katrina. Reagan is caught in a position where he has to glorify his infallible leader, yet trivialize the scale of the disaster. Unfortunately, the magnitude of the destruction is self-evident, and the implications of the federal government's failure to adequately address it--for future natural disasters or terrorist attacks--are obvious, damning, and quite frankly terrifying. This administration's central selling point has been its commitment to securing the nation, and in its first real test, with ample warning, it was caught with its pants around its ankles. FEMA, the most critical agency for saving American lives in the event of a calamity, has been loaded with inept political appointees. Bush refuses to hear bad news. Budget cuts and tax cuts trump funding for security, always. The Administration's official answer, when asked if we're prepared for a terrorist attack, is to say "that's why we're fighting in the Middle East". In other words, "no."

Bush partisans are losing the battle for public opinion badly. Thank you, Michael Reagan, for showing us exactly why.

Monday, September 12, 2005


Lookin' Sporty!

I don't play golf or tennis, I'm not a dealer in a casino, and I don't set type for a living. My entire life, I assumed these choices had no common element, being based on lack of athletic aptitude, apathy toward gambling, etc. But I now realize the real, single reason for all of them: the visor.

Across the street from my office, a woman has hired a crew to remodel her house. Every day for the past week, she's hovered around the construction site in her visor. What makes this notable is that her hair, cut in a Dorothy Hammil bob, exactly covers the visor's brim, creating the illusion of a visor made entirely of hair. Oh, how I wish I could make you see it.

I've heard the arguments: visors provide shade, they keep the head cooler than a hat, blah, blah, blah. I'm unmoved. Dave once told me that Hummers are reassuring because you instantly know, without reservation, that the owner is a complete asshole. There's no possible reasonable excuse for driving one. I put visors in the same category. If you're engaging in an activity for which wearing a visor "makes sense", clearly the activity itself is horribly flawed and should be abandoned. I mean, just look at the woman above. I realize she's only some poor model, but there are people out there who would actually put something like that on their heads without being paid for it. "I'm so proud to have killed the world's biggest duck that I cut off its bill and mounted it on my forehead. Wanna hit the links?" No, truly visors are the headgear of the damned.

I have spoken!

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