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Tuesday, November 01, 2005


I Maintain It's a Completely Fair Generalization

Q: Now that a judge who happens to be a Democrat has been removed from Tom Delay's criminal case for being a Democrat, is it safe to assume that Republican judges will be likewise barred from presiding over the case?

A: Texas is a worthless fucking armpit that should be given back to Mexico, by force if neccesary, with an apology to the rest of the country for making us put up with all their horrible bullshit for the past 8,000 years. What about the artists, you say? I admit, Leadbelly, Big Mama Thornton, Kinky Freidman, Scott Joplin, Buddy Holly, Beyoncé, Roy Orbison, Roky Erikson, Richard Linklater, Kelly Willis and 1970s-era ZZ Top are only a few names on a mighty impressive list, but they are no match for "swagger", those stupid hats, "Don't Mess With Texas", smugly cancerous political corruption that gleefully turns everything it touches into shit, George "W is for Fucking Asshole" Bush, etcetera, etcetera. To point out that say, Mississippi or Utah is a worse state is only to confirm that Texas isn't even able to be the best at being the worst.

You know, I feel I've really contributed something constructive to the national discourse here.

Dude, you have to go to Austin. It is awesome enough to justify the rest of it. Also, Bob Wills and Lyle Lovett.
Buddy Holly and Waylon Jennings.
Buddy's already on my list. But for every Buddy or Waylon I can raise you a Boxcar Willie, Meatloaf Christopher Cross, Ashlee Simpson, Vanilla Ice--wait, I need a sip of water--ah, that's better--Sandy Duncan, Jennifer Love Hewitt, or Hilary Duff.

Hit me with a Walter Cronkite and I come back on you with a Phyllis George, shove a Norah Jones in your ear (where it hurts the most) and finish you off with a heaping dose of Dr. Phil. How's that working out for you? It would take at bare minimum 20 artistic/scientific/literary geniuses to counterbalance the cultural depravity of Texas high school football alone.

Please understand that I'm not interested in fairness or rationality on the matter of Texas. When it comes to the Longhorn state, I deal in unhinged, nonsensical prejudice as big as, well, Texas.
"Dude, you have to go to Austin. It is awesome enough to justify the rest of it."

I can't deny the exception that-proves-the-rule cultural cachet of Austin, but I beleive that it would be even more awesome as the hippest city in northern Mexico. A great use for a US passport.
And please note that the recent development removing a Republican judge from the selection process for a trial judge, while completely undermining my initial argument, will not change it. That's how willing I am to be seen as an intolerant moron.
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